So my ‘year’ of no fear should technically have ended on 31st of December, however I decided I wasn’t quite finished, so an extension was in order! Initially, this extension was supposed to last until May, when I was going to officially close out the ’18 months of no fear’ with a public singing performance (this was to be my December challenge, however circumstances got in the way there)
I seemed to naturally have a challenge for most months leading up to May too, quite by accident. At the start of January, I did a traditional ‘Loony Dook’ again to celebrate New Year’s day jumping in the freezing River Forth. February sees the release date for the Silent Scream Anthology- and the anxiety that comes with my stories finally being out there in print. I’ve signed up for some running events, have some performances lined up…there seemed to be a lot coming up for me which could, if necessary, be classed as a challenge if I wanted it to- although that was not the reason I was doing them. Outwardly though, until I had started to play with the idea of extending the year, I was telling people I wasn’t doing any more challenges-even though much of the stuff I have planned for this coming year involves doing similar, if not identical things to 2019!
It was churning this thought over that brought me to my ‘come to Jesus’ moment. I was now naturally living a life less fear-filled. By that I don’t mean I’d somehow conquered fear, obviously. Natural fear-based responses and programmed fear-related scripts will always be present to some extent for all of us. However by virtue of living a year exploring and questioning fear and vulnerability, I have come to a place where I now naturally question the fear-based scripts and stories which automatically run through my subconscious, and in some cases-particularly when they stem from fear around other peoples judgement- I can dismiss and discount them almost immediately. Some fear scripts are more prevalent than others, and the like to sneak in and manifest themselves in various different guises, but the point is I am now in a state where I am conscious of my thoughts, my fears, their origins and motivations and I am CHOOSING to not allow them to place unnecessary restrictions on what I say and do in life.
This is a good place to be, but I am also conscious that I want to enjoy the space, creativity, and energy which has been freed up by releasing some fear stories and challenging others. I don’t want to allow old fears to creep back in, or let the persistent ones really take hold to the point I stop challenging them. With that in mind, I decided to find myself something to focus on filling this space with, what could live in the place of the old fear stories previously on repeat in my subconscious??
The natural choice to me initially seemed to be love. It’s the opposite of fear after all. It’s the most powerful force for reframing our human experience into a positive light. How could I love more or invite more love into my life? I found it difficult to imagine as my life is pretty choc-full with love right now- for my family, my jobs, my home status, achievements and all the wonderful women I’ve met this year. Literally hundreds of like-minded soul sisters full of heart and wisdom. Of course, there is one group grossly underrepresented in my giant love-in of a life-and that’s men.
It occurred to me that, outside of my immediate family, I could count on one hand the number of men I could call friends. My relationship with men and my feelings toward them in general were polar opposite to the respectful, loving and supportive way of relating I had worked hard to cultivate toward the women in my life. I decided to take action on this realisation for a number of reasons. Chief among these being I’m a Libra girl, so I really hate any area of my life being out of balance! I began working to heal my relationship with the masculine, both externally with the men out there in the big wide world, as well as looking at my relationship to my own inner masculine elements-which I’m very out of touch with, spending 99 percent of my time consciously trying to stay in my feminine flow!
It quite quickly became apparent this healing process was going to be time-consuming. There was no quick fix, I had many negative experiences and stories with men, and my beliefs around them being unsafe, untrustworthy and inherently ‘bad’ by nature ran deeper than I’d even imagined. I’m now still wading through project ‘reimagining men’ 😂 Although it didn’t look like love was going to fill the spaces left where fear used to creep in, like I had initially imagined, it was through this attempt to reframe “men” and cultivate love toward the masculine that I began to start thinking about gratitude.
Gratitude was/is a great tool I’m using in healing my relationship with men. I see that if I consciously focus as much as possible on what I am grateful for in and from the men around me, then my perception automatically begins to shift, and the scripting starts rewriting itself. Gratitude is a great thing to cultivate wherever possible, and a pretty awesome direction to shift your consciousness in if you’re trying to fill space left by fear stories I’d say! And so there it is, my 2020 vision (I can’t stop myself, every time!)
2020- The year of gratitude 366 (that’s the days, it’s a leap year)
On the 1st I started my little gratitude jar- at the end of each day I will take time out to sit down and write a note on something I was grateful for that day. Then I will look back on them all at the end of the year 🥰
As far as the year of no fear goes, that I will now official rebrand to ‘my life less fear full’. With gratitude.
2019-The year that changed my whole life and mindset ❤