I found myself getting lost today in the lake district, and the Sat Nav on my phone repeatedly telling me to “continue along the struggle”😂 Apparently it’s a real road name here, although it seemed like a perfectly timed personal message. My health and happiness journey is still on going, and the physical health and fitness side of things is still proving a struggle to bring into the balance! I’m confident when I get back from holidays I will get into routine and on track though, and a happy place is a great place to start.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on just how different I feel on this holiday in comparison to when I went away in July a year ago.

In happiness and confidence terms, I have come a great distance in this year- so far from the person secretly crying myself to sleep at night and feeling incredibly guilty for doing so. Broken down and seemingly trapped in a situation I hated, guilty as I knew I had such a lot to be thankful for, at war with myself and my body, as well as in a state of fear that I was being cut off from the one space where I felt truly safe, relaxed and at peace.

This year I couldn’t be further from that feeling! Happy, relaxed, grateful and full of excitement for what the next year will bring. My whole life has changed since then, but not as a result of getting all the things I thought were the key to making me happy back in July 2017. I’m in a new job, driving, almost debt free and a homeowner in my own right. I’m wandering around my holiday complex in tiny shorts and at the pool in my bikini, dancing in stage with my kids without a care in the world!

What changed was not that I magically lost the 40 odd lb I thought I should lose (I probably put that on if anything!). I never got the full time, mortgage-able job I thought I HAD to get, despite not wanting to spend even less time with my kids. I wasn’t rescued by my night in shining armour like I felt I needed to be. My ‘Happy ending’ didn’t end so happily after all. All the external things I looked for my ‘happy’ in-Body transformation, other people’s approval, success, money, love- they would not prove to be the things which brought me here directly. In the end it was an internal paradigm shift.

Changing my mindset to release the expectations placed on me by myself and others. Changing my attitude to look for the blessings and take joy from the little things in life. Letting go of past pain and the fear of future failure to bring myself more into the present. Embracing things as they truly are, not how I think they should be. Overall becoming responsible for, and really owning my own emotional health and wellbeing. I’m on the path to fully accepting stewardship of my own emotions, behaviour and ways of relating, without the expectation I will be perfect.

I’m so very lucky that I have a wonderful support network. I’m grateful that when I reached my lowest point last September/October I was surrounded by loving, open and amazing people. I am fortunate that this for me was the starting point of a great deal of inner work, and a period of transformation. It could have been so different if I hadn’t had the right support, and because of this I have chosen to start my journey back into optimum physical health by running to fundraise for various charities which provide vital support services. My recovery from a dark period has been beneficial for me, my friends, my family and now I really want to give back to the wider community also. Looking forward to training next week😳❤